Meet Depressed Summary of the 06-29-2008 Episode of Face The Nation

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 CBS News
FACE THE NATION

Sunday, June 29, 2008

BOB SCHIEFFER, host: Today on FACE THE NATION, we remember that shit goes on outside of the US that affects the US.  Nigroe intellectual and Presidential candidate Barack Obama has decided to Summer in the Middle East and Europe. Will he stop in Iraq? Will he tour a crowded market with an armored division and make it a target for terrorist bombings? What does he think about North Korea? Does he leave the toilet seat up?  We’ll talk with retired General Wesley Clark who routinely puts his foot in his mouth and who tried to start World War III a few years ago and we’ll ask Congressional Knesset Liaison and Log Cabin Republican Joe Lieberman, Senator from Connecticut, who has taken time off from his side job as John McCain’s fluffer to be here.

David Sanger, chief White House stenographer for The Brooks, Kristol and Friedman Times, will be here with analysis on the campaign break for foreign policy. Then, at the end of the show, I’ll give you whipper snappers a taste of my pre-senile dementia.

But first, Joementum and Crazy Clark on FACE THE NATION.

Announcer: FACE THE NATION, with CBS Infotainment’s lone remaining old coot Bob Schieffer. And now, from CBS Infotainment in Washington, Bob Schieffer.

SCHIEFFER: Howdy folks. Let me find some really fucking tired way to mention that Lieberman is a political whore and then we’ll get this here show on the road.

Mornin’, Senator.

Senator JOE LIEBERMAN (I-CT): Good morning, Bob. My mouth tastes like old man balls.

SCHIEFFER: Do you hate all Democrats or just Barack Obama?

Sen. LIEBERMAN: I’m an incumbent whore with no loyalty to anyone.  I joined the Democratic Party under JFK when we used to start senseless wars abroad, but now they’re a bunch of pussies who don’t like endless occupations, so I left.  p.s. – I got run out by losing a primary challenge to a guy named Ned.

On the other hand, John McCain is a crazy old nationalist fucker who believes strongly in invading places for no particular reason, that’s why I endorsed him last December.  I did this because John McCain is ready to be commander in chief on day one and then, on day three, when he throws a hip while trying to run the Canadian Delegation off the White House lawn with his cane, they’ll make me President. The obvious aside, my other driving passion here is concern about the poisonous partisanship of Washington.  It’s been waning since this Obama character started running and I can’t have that.  John McCain has shown that he’ll throw his record as a maverick under the bus to toss out the Mexicans, suck Jerry Falwell’s dead dick and gladhand crazy Bible Thumpers who think the Holocaust was a pretty good deal because it might bring on Armageddon sooner.  As a Jew I’m not crazy about these folks, but anything that keeps the rednecks riled up keeps me in business here as a majority of one.

SCHIEFFER: Dang…

Sen. LIEBERMAN: His party used to consider him too humane, but now that he’s had his spine surgically removed and replaced with liquid hate you can see they’re warmnig to him.

SCHIEFFER: …that, of course, doesn’t beg the following question, but if I don’t say something obvious then half the country will turn their sets back to Joel Osteen: if John McCain’s ready to be president, do you believe Barack Obama is not ready to be president?

Sen. LIEBERMAN: Oh-ho! Pretty slick, Bob, I see what you did there.  Now, let me show you how a politician says yes without saying yes.   

John McCain has extraordinary experience. Real, real good experience. He’s got guts and what not – like when he basically supported the administration at every crucial juncture of the war but then made a lot of noise about not supporting them while supporting them.  That’s what passes for guts in the wealthy New York City suburb that I represent. 

Like me, John loves The Surge.  We even capitalize it.  Senator Obama, unfortunately, like a lot of the Democrats, is a big sissy who hides under his bed at the radical Madrasa he lives at. I hope Barack Obama does go to Iraq and gets a chance to hang out with his al Qaeda, HAMAS and Hizbollah buddies. I’m not saying he’s a Muslim, just that all Muslims everywhere love him and, of course, Muslims can’t be trusted.

In any case, if we had done what Senator Obama asked us to do for the last couple of years, today Iran and al-Qaeda would be running Iraq and things would be really bad – you know, because Shia nations and Sunni terrorist groups get along really well and I’ve clearly lost the plot.  Thanks to John McCain’s stalwart foreign policy brilliance we’re spending billions of dollars every day to prop up a fractious, crooked oil kleptocracy with strong ties to Iran while we ship several thousand American kids home in body bags.  This is a whole lot better than the other insane al Qaeda-and-Iran scenario that I made up a minute ago and that’s why I support John.  He’s got the guts to start a war based on non-existent threats at incredibly high economic and human costs and to throw good money and bodies after bad.  That’s the kind of leadership we need in Washington.

SCHIEFFER: I may be an old coot, but even I’m not buying that load of shit, Palpatine.

Sen. LIEBERMAN: No, it’s true, Obama and all the Democratic leadership want to mothball our Navy and use the Army to distribute free money and weapons to our enemies.  On this issue, I respectfully but deeply disagree.

These defeatists were saying a year ago, two years ago, that Iraq was lost and it’s clearly fantastic now. If we had left back then like these wimps wanted to there’d probably be genocide, definitely civil war.  Instead we stuck around and watched while there was genocide and civil war and we decided that we’d choose sides and start handing out money and guns.  Oh fuck, I wasn’t supposed to say that out loud.  Anyway, surely you can see how all this would end up with Iran and al Qaeda jointly running a mostly Shia country together in anti-American harmony. 

Thanks to John McCain, al Qaeda is on the run and on the verge of a terrible defeat.  This represents one of our most significant victories over them since 9/11, maybe the most significant  (no shit, he said this –editor). I’m going to just assert here that Iran is being pushed back, all evidence to the contrary. In fact just a couple of weeks ago, Prime Minister Maliki of Iraq went to Tehran and Ahmadinejad, and the supreme leader, Khamenei, pleaded with Maliki, `Don’t enter into a longterm strategic agreement with America.’ And he said, `Sorry, folks. I want to have good neighborly relations with you, but the Americans are our friends. We appreciate what they’ve done for us and we’re sticking with them.’  Of course he had his fingers crossed and chuckled while he made some off-the-record bargains with Ahmadinejad, but that’s kind of inconvenient for my made up view of what’s happening in Iraq, so let’s talk about something else.

SCHIEFFER: That was a lot of words, you win.  If Obama wins he’s gonna pull out of Iraq like a drunk Catholic with ten kids.  Thoughts? 

Sen. LIEBERMAN: I’m going to pretend that B. Hussein Obama has said he’d pull out even if things went in the shitter really hard. Of course he has said the opposite, but this is the American News Media, so whatever I say is true until the end of the program because you people are giant pussies who only call bullshit on the most insignificant things.  So, under the pretense of my bullshit example…

Remember how I said things are great in Iraq?  Well, maybe they won’t be so great always.  I know, it’s a crazy world.  What if Iran invades its allied Shia neighbor (lolol –editor)? What if someone tries to kill the oh-so-popular figurehead kleptocrat we’ve installed there? Will Obama still pull out? What if as we withdraw–which we’re doing now, what Senator McCain has wanted us to do. And because the surge is working, we’re bringing out troops out. Oh shit I just confused myself, the audience and even the troops themselves.  I don’t even know what I’m talking about at this point.  Anyway, I think General Petraeus is going to announce this summer that we can continue to bring our troops out with victory, with honor and success – three terms I’ll use without even attempting to define. But if you just say, as Senator Obama continues to say, `No matter what’s happening, I’m taking the troops out,’ that’s going to be un-victory and un-honor and un-success.  Like Churchill, I guess, once said, `To snatching defeat from the jaws of victory,’ and to sending a very uncertain signal to our allies, Arab and Israeli in the Middle East, and frankly to our allies all around the world who want us to be strong. They depend on it. And John McCain knows that. That’s why they have such confidence in Senator McCain’s leadership.  I have no idea what that entire paragraph means, so I left it mostly intact.  This must be some kind of half assed attempt at a Joementum Jedi mind trick.

SCHIEFFER: Alright, no one knows what the fuck you’re trying to say there, Joe.  Let’s move on without challenging you on the utter bullshit you just spewed because, hey, I wouldn’t want to scare politicians off of appearing on the show by pointing out when they’re full of shit.  Fuck, it’d just be me spinning yarns about miniature golf into the camera for thirty minutes and nobody’s gonna watch that shit.

Back on topic, Charlie Black, the lobbyist lunatic running the McCain campaign, said last week that a terrorist attack on this country would help John McCain and then lit his shoe on fire and tried to board a plane to DC. A lot of people who I won’t name, by which I mean me and my buddies down at the club, damn near shit our Depends on that one.  What the fuck, Joe?

Sen. LIEBERMAN: Yeah, John took him out behind the woodshed over that. Charlie fucked up and everyone including Charlie admits that, so no biggie.

Anyhow, you’re cutting into my talking points here Bob, so let me shift gears.  NINE ELEVEN.  NINE ELEVEN.  NINE ELEVEN.  NINE ELEVEN.  PRESIDENT ON DAY ONE.  NINE ELEVEN.  EXPERIENCE.  PRESIDENT ON DAY ONE. 

SCHIEFFER: So, last week The Bush Administration finally realized that Bill Clinton was completely right about North Korea.  Does John make you swallow on the Straight Cock Express?

Sen. LIEBERMAN: Yeah.

SCHIEFFER: Interesting.  So, this North Korea stuff – what do you think?

Sen. LIEBERMAN: It’s hopeful Bob, and despite crowing endlessly about appeasement when Clinton did it, John isn’t making a peep now that Bush has done the same damn thing – he even supports it. Of course we won’t know what’s really happening for five years, by which time John McCain’s hollowed out body will be filled by an animatronic skeleton and voicebox controlled by Karl Rove. Those bandaids?  Not what you think.

The North Koreans still haven’t told us about the uranium, how many bombs they have or what they’re up to with Syria.  You know, you can’t trust anyone who wears heels with a bouffant and kidnaps movie directors and soap opera stars, so to paraphrase President Reagan, you’ve got to mistrust and verify. This mistrust is something that the next president, with a combination of strength and a willingness and an intention to improve our relations with North Korea, will have to carry forward. And of course, I believe John McCain has both of those capabilities. They’ll–our enemies in the world will fear and respect John McCain; our allies will trust and like him.

In case anyone out there didn’t understand me: JOHN MCCAIN: STRONG LIKE BULL.

SCHIEFFER: Alright, I didn’t really care about that.  Good point about the bouffant though. 

So, let’s talk about the Supreme Court – who took a break from watching DVDs of the television series “24″ and fist pumping every time Jack Bauer waterboards a terrist this week to toss out a handgun ban in DC, which is a city that defintiely needs more handguns. Some people who write for shitty newspapers told me that the next President will appoint two justices.  You hate unborn babies, but John loves them.  Explain.

Sen. LIEBERMAN: Well, John and I have a good faith disagreement on that, and I think we respect each other’s positions. In a way, part of why I’m supporting John McCain, obviously I agree with him on big issues like foreign and defense policy, climate change, lobbying and ethics reform. But where we disagree, that’s the point. It’s time that people who disagree get together for the benefit of the country. We got to forget our loyalty to the Democrat/Republican Party. We got to put our loyalty to America (had to leave that fucking whopper of a paragraph intact –editor).  So, in short, grind those kids up and use their cells to fuel Zombie Reagan’s corpse for all I care.

Blah blah, a bunch of equivocating bullshit.  Mention of judicial activism.  John McCain’s a fair conservative.  Etc.

SCHIEFFER: All right, Jesus, do you ever say anything that’s not straight off your script?

Sen. LIEBERMAN: No.

SCHIEFFER: Joe Lieberman, thank you so much…

Sen. LIEBERMAN: Nine eleven, Bob.

SCHIEFFER: We’ll get the other side of some of these issues in just a minute when we talk to Crazy Clark, who an alarming number of people thought would make a good President back in 2004.

(Announcements)

SCHIEFFER: With us now from Bumblefuck, Arkansas, which is the name of every town in Arkansas incidentally, retired General Wesley Clark. He stumped for Hillary Clinton during the primaries as is required by law of every Arkansan, but now he’s shilling for Barack Obama.

So, let’s get down to the tough questions.  Joe says John McCain’ would be a better President than Barack Obama.  Huge fucking shock, so I felt it would be an insightful thing to repeat.

General WESLEY CLARK (Retired; Obama Supporter): Wrong.  Everyone loves Barack Obama and he’d like to give the world a Coke and teach them to sing in perfect harmony.

SCHIEFFER: Fascinating.  You’re clearly going to be the Democratic hatchet man when it comes to the military angle on McCain.  The other day you said John McCain was, quote, and these are your words, which is what ‘quote’ fucking means Bob, “untested and untried.” As everyone on the Earth knows, John was a POW, holds the record for metaphorical Reagan blow jobs during a Presidential primary debate, ran the biggest squadron in the Navy and ate gook ear cereal for breakfast.  How does that not qualify him for the Presidency?

Gen. CLARK: Look, John McCain is as crazy as a shithouse rat.  Now let me pay some lip service to his POW status, which is required by the FCC during any mention of John McCain’s name.  Ok, now that that’s done: basically he’s never had any executive responsibility.  That’s my whole point here.

SCHIEFFER: Mumble…

Gen. CLARK: Darn Tootin’…

SCHIEFFER: Are you related to the Keebler Elves?

Gen. CLARK: Yep.

SCHIEFFER: That explains a lot.  Back on topic, Barack Obama has not had any of those experiences either, specifically he hasn’t flown a fighter plane and gotten shot down. Obviously I have completely lost the fucking plot because I just asked you to defend the fact that your candidate wasn’t shot down during a war and Ashton Kutcher didn’t pop out from behind the set to yell PUNK’D, so I must be (unbelievably) serious about this. 

Gen. CLARK: Well, I don’t think riding in a fighter plane and getting shot down is a qualification to be president. (not edited – editor)

SCHIEFFER: Really? (he really fucking said this - editor)

Gen. CLARK: Yeah, Bob.  GETTING SHOT DOWN REALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING PRESIDENT YOU DODDERING OLD COOT.

Back to the positive - Barack Obama, character, judgment, communication skills, can dunk, types 75wpm.  Need I say more?

SCHIEFFER: Snap!  Gotcha, Clark.  Right wing bloggers, start your engines.

On another note.  Senator Obama said he’s going to Summer in Europe and the Middle East and folks think he might drop by Iraq. I hear they have great villas in Kurdistan.  Still, he hasn’t been in two years, so why now?  Is he too good for renting a condo in Destin, going to wet t-shirt contests at Florabama and watching NASCAR like white, working class Americans?

Gen. CLARK: Well, The Hamptons are so last decade and Martha’s Vineyard is too WASPy.  He’s going to go abroad and meet foreign leaders, rap with them a little.  I hear he’s going to talk NAFTA with the Canadians and have tea with Nasrallah, so that should go over well.

SCHIEFFER: General, remember that crazy fucking thing Joe Lieberman said about timetables and Obama pulling soldiers out even if Iraq became a lovefest between Iran and al Qaeda?  I know that was so fucking stupid that you’d think it would be beneath me to just repeat wholesale, but then this is the American News Media, so I’m going to need a rebuttal.

Gen. CLARK: Yeah, Joe’s a fucking nutter.  He’s been spending too much time smoking the war pipe with Cheney and Bush.  His idea of foreign policy is brilliant – “blow Islams up.”  Barack Obama doesn’t mind blowing up Islams, he just thinks we should check the price tag ahead of time and maybe try to negotiate the deal first.

See, what Obama…

SCHIEFFER: Ahem…

Gen. CLARK: …will do is talk to everyone around Iraq and hopefully get them to help us un-step on our dick.  We could need our dick again and right now we’re standing on it.

SCHIEFFER: Alright, enough serious stuff.  Time for the horserace chatter.  Is Hillary gonna be the VP?

Gen. CLARK: Without the Clintons I’d still be making contraband shine in my backyard still and shitting in an outhouse, so I’m pretty much going to kiss all the Clinton ass I can.  At the same time, this Obama guy is my new sugar daddy, so I gotta stay between the lines and say it’s up to him.

SCHIEFFER: Great, we learned nothing in that interview, but thanks for the blogosphere and Talk Radio giveaway there.  Rush Limbaugh’s going to use that one all the way through November.

Gen. CLARK: If you think that’s good, let me tell you about the time I almost started World War III.

SCHIEFFER: Jesus.

Gen. CLARK: You said it man.

SCHIEFFER: Back in a moment with some total fucking chatter.

(Announcements)

SCHIEFFER: And joining us now, David Sanger of The New York Times.

You broke the story about that crazy Korean midget selling nuclear stuff to Syria and the Israelis bombing it.  All of a sudden, Bush is pulling a Clinton, though I’m not going to mention that.  What gives?

Mr. DAVID SANGER (The New York Times): Bob, President Bush got about a quarter of a loaf here.  Whatever the fuck that means.  Basically Bush fucked around holding his breath and stamping his feet for seven years and this brilliant fucking tactic worked so well that now North Korea knows how to make bombs and has the material stored away.  Pretty fucking ace move there on Bush’s part, I have to say.

SCHIEFFER: So, basically they gave up the reactor but they still have nukes.  What does that give us?

Mr. SANGER: Nothing. We’re back to 1999 in policy terms, but this time Dear Leader already has the stuff to make bombs and is selling it like hoods slingin’ crack rock on the playground.

SCHIEFFER: Is this a good thing or a bad thing? (he really said this –editor)

Mr. SANGER: Oh fuck, I’ve been too critical of Bush – let me backpedal.  It’s a good thing, because even though it’s a total fuckup in the larger picture, it’s better than what was happening when Bush still had his fingers in his ears.  Turns out you can talk to members of the Axis of Evil.

SCHIEFFER: David, thanks so much for your brilliant Goddamn commentary there.

(Announcements)

SCHIEFFER: Back in the 1860s, when I came to work at CBS News, as it was then called when we sometimes carried out actual acts of journalism, I got the kind of assignments the new guy usually gets: cleaning Mr. Cronkite’s cock rings, covering tea parties at the White House, the birth of tiger cubs at the National Zoo. Once I was even assigned to cover a miniature golf tournament, which brought forth this memorable sign-off that I’m going to pain you with even though you don’t fucking care.

(From file footage) Bob Schieffer, CBS News, at the National Putt-Putt Championships at Rockville, Maryland.

My mother knew I was a boob, but she would’ve preferred I be a boob not on camera, so she called and said, `I didn’t send you to Washington to cover miniature golf. You tell those people to assign you to some real news.’ I told her someday I’d get to let politicians lie with impunity while asking inane questions and only showing a journalistic pulse when a completely inconsequential and sensational verbal gaffe occurs.

But maybe covering miniature golf was more prestigious than I thought, because today, in a twopage spread, the travel section of The Washington Post recommends Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, as a vacation destination because it offers the best miniature golf in America. It boasts 40 or 50 courses that feature jungle themes, a volcano that erupts in propane-fueled anger and, of course, the popular putting through the windmill blades. The Post spread even includes a little map on how to get there and reports operators are so serious about it they hold professional tournaments which draw contestants from as far away as Europe, and they hope to make it an Olympic sport one day.  And as inconsequential as that story sounds, it’s not nearly as painful an example of the state of journalism today as me letting Joe Lieberman talk about al Qaeda and Iran cooperating to run Iraq without picking up my chair and battering him with it.

That’s it for us. We’ll see you next week right here on FACE THE NATION.

Meet Depressed Summary of the 06-22-2008 Episode of Meet The Press

(Special Program Note: Meet The Press will run long today because Lindsey Graham adds an extra syllable to every Goddamn word he says)

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MR. BRIAN WILLIAMS: This week we’ll be talking about campaign finance in the general election.

SEN. BARACK OBAMA (D-IL): We’ve made the decision not to participate in the public financing system for the general election.

SEN. JOHN McCAIN (R-AZ): He has completely reversed himself and gone back not on his word to me, but the commitment that he made to the American people.

MR. WILLIAMS: Snap.

The candidates are too busy for this nonsense today, so we brought in Joe “Delaware Was a Slave State Too!” Biden and Lindsey “Oh Mah Gawd I Tawk So Sweet, Y’all” Graham.

Later we’ll have on business press release reader John Harwood of CNBC and Andrea Mitchell, who never names sources and who is married to a libertarian objectivist.

Then, we’ll fellate ourselves one last time by parading Tim Russert’s corpse around instead of discussing the country’s problems.

On with the Goddamn show already, Brian.

SEN. JOE BIDEN (D-DE): Thank you. I’m going to try to beat Lindsey to fellating Tim’s Corpse by mentioning how it’s weird not having Tim here.

MR. WILLIAMS: Thanks Joe, we’ll all get through this hour (without learning hardly anything).

SEN. BIDEN: Oh, score. I completely owned Lindsey there. Time to pour it on.

MR. WILLIAMS: Please do, let’s minimize the talk about real issues.

SEN. BIDEN: Tim loved his son and spoke highly of him like most fathers do and his son seems like a good guy.

MR. WILLIAMS: Yes he did.

SEN. BIDEN: Geez. (not edited)

MR. WILLIAMS: He sure did.

SEN. BIDEN: Incredible. (not edited)

MR. WILLIAMS: Everyone thinks a lot of Luke Russert.

Now that we’ve wasted 2-3 minutes, let’s get on to discussing the country’s business which I guess we unfortunately have to tend to. Here’s some footage about the campaign finance flap:

(Videotape, February 26, 2008)

MR. TIM RUSSERT: Well, let me ask you about motivating, inspiring, keeping your word. Nothing more important. Last year you said if you were the nominee you would opt for public financing in the general election of the campaign, try to get some of the money out. You checked “yes” on a questionnaire.

SEN. OBAMA: (Unintelligible)…politics at worst.

MR. RUSSERT: So you may opt out of public financing? You may break your word?

SEN. OBAMA: What I–what I’ve said is at the point where I’m the nominee, at the point where it’s appropriate, I will sit down with John McCain and make sure that we have a system that works for everybody.

(End videotape)

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Biden, Obama pretty much took a shit on his pledge and Russ Feingold politely took a shit on Obama – what’s your take?

SEN. BIDEN: I have a long record of supporting campaignfinance ref- blah blah. I’m about to admit that Obama threw a Crazy Ivan, but then I’m going to backpedal. Watch me go. He has changed his position, but if you think about it he only changed it because he was making a lot of money from a lot of people instead of from a powerful few, so even though it’s a total reversal it’s actually better for the system.

MR. WILLIAMS: O RLY.

SEN. BIDEN: Yes, he can’t be bought at those prices. Still, this does pretty much fuck the existing system symbolically.

MR. WILLIAMS: So, is public financing totally fucked?

SEN. BIDEN: Sputter…

MR. WILLIAMS: Mumble…

SEN. BIDEN: Pretty much.

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Graham, ball’s in your court.

SEN. LINDSEY GRAHAM (R-SC): Barack Obama is a black liar. Oops, I mean he’s a really big fat liar and that’s the most important thing here. Senator McCain took it up the ass a few years ago over this issue and Obama tucked tail and ran at the first opportunity. The American people won’t forgive this heinous lie by Obama.

SEN. BIDEN: B-b-but…

SEN. GRAHAM: …mm-hmm.

SEN. BIDEN: Obama said he’d be different and he is different because his money comes from a lot of poorer people instead of a few rich ones and those poor people aren’t organized to demand free shit like oil companies and pharamceutical companies are, so who cares? Also, he’s the neatest thing since sliced bread.

SEN. GRAHAM: Moveon.org had a Hitler ad once and they hate America and apple pies. They want a timetable for Iraq and Obama says he wants one too. Ergo Obama is a total leftist. Lefty left lefterson leftist lefticulist. LEFT.

SEN. BIDEN: Nunt uh.

MR. WILLIAMS: Yeah, back to the real world here Lindsey – it’s obvious he did this because he’s making a fuck ton of money from the internet.

SEN. GRAHAM: Mumble…

MR. WILLIAMS: If McCain knew what The Internet was wouldn’t he do the same thing?

SEN. GRAHAM: John crucified himself on the altar of CFR a few years ago, so he’s pretty much kicked Obama square between the balls on this one. Obama’s crafty – wily even. Obama only wants to win and will say anything to win.

SEN. BIDEN: Oh no you dih-ant. I wasn’t gonna go there, Colonel Tom, but McCain’s just done a 180 on drilling offshore and previously did a 180 on how Iraq would turn out. Going back to Obama, big donors vs. small donors, blah blah. Let me add that Obama’s not going to get Swift Boated by your GOP fuck buddies like that lurching bonehead Kerry, so of course he took the money.

MR. WILLIAMS: But doesn’t everyone Swift Boat?

SEN. BIDEN: Well, I, I, I, I, I… yeah.

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Graham.

SEN. GRAHAM: Someone asked Obama, “If you are nominated for president in 2008 and your major opponents agree to forego private funding in the general election campaign, will you participate in the presidential public financing system?” Obama said, “Yes, I have been a longtime advocate for public financing of campaigns combined with free television and radio time as a way to reduce the influence of moneyed special interests.” November 2007.

SEN. BIDEN: Babbling…

SEN. GRAHAM: Totally full of shit.

SEN. BIDEN: Blah blah, big donors, small donors, we get it Joe. Slight jab at McCain’s big donors.

MR. WILLIAMS: Hillary Clinton also called him out on this a while back, Joe.

SEN. BIDEN: She would say anything to get elected. Anyhow, big donors vs. small donors – ’nuff said!

MR. WILLIAMS: Well David Brooks said some shit too and even made up some more of his adolescent-sounding, funny names for people – he actually wrote about “Fast Eddie Obama.” Can you believe the New York Times prints this asshole? Anyhow, the AP said Obama will say anything to win, too. So, basically, Barack Obama is a politician.

SEN. BIDEN: Uh, yeah, but an honorable one [Mark Twain spins in grave -editor]. Big donors vs. small donors again for the hundredth time, blah blah. Then I use some of Brooks’ stupid, childish rhetoric and compliment Obama on having gravitas. In the end, even though he totally flipped on this one, it shows that he’s wily and – oops can’t use that word. It shows that he’s really a politician even though he’s not and that’s good or bad depending on what question you ask me. Have I told you my Indian jokes lately?

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Graham, you buying what Joe’s selling?

SEN. GRAHAM: Hell no. Folksy aphorism goes here. Obama is now plumbing the depths of depravity and has shown his true colors. Obama will do anything to win. Of course I’m a Republican, so it’s sort of ironic, me talking about how someone else has gone too far in politics. Anyone want to talk about McCain’s nigroe baby we found out about in my state a few years ago?

SEN. BIDEN: Yeah, well, John completely flip flopped on oil.

MR. WILLIAMS: Yeah, hmm, oil – cue cards?

SEN. GRAHAM: Let’s roll.

MR. WILLIAMS: Oh, wait, the cue cards say we have to talk about NAFTA now. Sorry guys. So John McCain talked about NAFTA. You guys have any problems with NAFTA?

SEN. BIDEN: Yeah, one, we use it to build all the shit we buy overseas where we don’t care if the kids grow up eating lead paint sludge and, two, the workers in those countries don’t exactly get a 401K out of it if you know what I mean.

MR. WILLIAMS: Fibble fabble..

SEN. BIDEN: Environment and labor.

MR. WILLIAMS: Yosemite Sam?

SEN. GRAHAM: Obama is full of shit on NAFTA and I’m an American and in America we don’t lie. The end.

SEN. BIDEN: I want to be President. Fuck, I said that out loud. Anyhow, yeah, environment and labor.

Gov. RICHARDSON: Fortune magazine this past Wednesday: “Obama says he doesn’t believe in unilaterally reopening NAFTA. … `I’m not a big believer in doing things unilaterally. I’m a big believer in opening up a dialogue and figuring out how we can make this work for all people.’”

Now we go to the debate–same debate, Cleveland, Ohio, February 26th, 2008.

(Videotape)

SEN. HILLARY CLINTON (D-NY): I will say, we will opt out of NAFTA unless we renegotiate it.

SEN. OBAMA: I will make sure that we renegotiate in the same way that Senator Clinton talked about. And I think, actually, Senator Clinton’s answer on this one is right. I think we should use the hammer of a potential opt-out as leverage to ensure that we actually get labor and environmental standards that are enforced.

(End videotape)

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Biden, is Obama gonna throw the water fountain through the window and leave?

SEN. BIDEN: Probably not, but you can’t bring a knife to a gun fight.

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Graham, you’ve been smirking like a teenager with a funny joke to tell. Let’s hear it.

SEN. GRAHAM: I want so bad to like Obama, but he’s a lying douchebag. Woe is me. It’s like nailing Jell-O to the wall. The other day he even lied to a bunch of Israel nuts and then flip flopped. I wouldn’t piss on the man if he were on fire.

MR. WILLIAMS: McCain completely flip flopped on drilling offshore this week. Gas is $4 a gallon and this makes the greenies happy. Tell me more.

SEN. GRAHAM: $4 a gallon gas pretty much sucks for the average Joe.

MR. WILLIAMS: Oh.

SEN. GRAHAM: Basically, John wants to drill everything up to and including your mother, Brian, and he wants to start in America. Also, $4 a gallon gas. Did I mention that number?

MR. WILLIAMS: I believe you did.  So, what will drilling do?

SEN. GRAHAM: When we drill, the oil faerie visits us and prices go down immediately.  The Democrats, on the other hand, want to drill in Saudi Arabia and keep the oil faerie trapped underground where she can’t make your gas prices go down tomorrow. If you want the oil faerie’s magic to help us all, vote McCain.

SEN. BIDEN: You just fucked up, Deliverance Boy, and now I’ve got something to talk about.

SEN. GRAHAM: Democrats want to drill in Saudi Arabia, they sent a letter!

SEN. BIDEN: We want them to pump more, not drill more, you hillbilly. Oil companies already have 41 million acres offshore and they’re trying to get one last Christmas gift from Bush and Cheney before their act rolls out of town. Hell, they’re not even using 75% of their existing leases.

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Graham, you have a purdy mouth.

SEN. GRAHAM: Yes, I do.

MR. WILLIAMS: You mind people drilling off South Carolina?

SEN. GRAHAM: States rights. Let the states decide. If we don’t drill there, China will via Cuba. China wants to drink our milkshake, Brian. Gas is $4 a gallon and oil is $135 a barrel – did I mention that? Obama won’t do anything, McCain wants to drink our own milkshake.

SEN. BIDEN: Oh snap now.

SEN. GRAHAM: Fo sho.

SEN. BIDEN: We can already drink our own milkshake, Gomer.

SEN. GRAHAM: No we can’t ’cause the gummint.

SEN. BIDEN: 40 million acres offshore.

SEN. GRAHAM: So.

SEN. BIDEN: 40 million acres offshore.

SEN. GRAHAM: So.

SEN. BIDEN: Forty million acres offshore.

SEN. GRAHAM: Piffle…

SEN. BIDEN: They can already get to 79% of the reserves and they haven’t done shit.

SEN. GRAHAM: But the gummint!

SEN. BIDEN: Eat it, Forrest.

SEN. GRAHAM: Gummint.

SEN. BIDEN: Whatever.

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Graham, let me take a page out of Tim Russert’s gotcha handbook here and read some incriminating quotes where you said drilling offshore would be bad.

SEN. GRAHAM: Mm-hmm.

MR. WILLIAMS: “Said Senator Lindsey Graham: `All of our coastal communities I’ve talked with believe offshore drilling would be a detriment to our economy along the coast. I tend to agree with that.’” Whatchu talkin’ ’bout Willis?

SEN. GRAHAM: Four dollar a gallon gas. (not edited)

MR. WILLIAMS: Yeah, but we don’t get shit from drilling for ten years.

SEN. GRAHAM: Right. Right.

MR. WILLIAMS: So how does this help us get off foreign oil like you talked about?

SEN. GRAHAM: The oil faerie. John McCain supports drilling to find her.

SEN. BIDEN: 40 million acres. 10 years to the first drop.

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Graham, here’s more incriminating quote stuff, Tim would be proud.

SEN. GRAHAM: Yeah, and, and here’s the honest–well, here, here’s my answer. $4 a gallon gas Yes, $4 a gallon has changed my view of this; $135 dollars a barrel has changed my view of this. I think the economic impact of not adjusting now is going to be devastating in the–to the country short and long-term, and therefore I have changed my position.

SEN. BIDEN: 10 years to the first drop. Windmills. Change!

MR. WILLIAMS: Oh, turns out we’re in two wars overseas. The Economist said Iraq’s gonna be fine without us – I’m going to just accept that without question because I’m a fuckwit. So, what do we do about Afghanistan?  I hope you guys know, because I don’t even know where it is for sure.

SEN. BIDEN: I, too, will ignore the ridiculous fundamentals underlying the question even though I’m smarter than this.  In short: tell the people how much Iraq is fucking up our military and how much it’s costing us in money and lives and then rattle off some quotes by generals about how we should fight Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. We can’t fight both wars.

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Graham?

SEN. GRAHAM: I got some quotes from Generals saying Iraq is more important. John McCain’s been trying to put more troops in Iraq for a decade.  Go, fight, win!

MR. WILLIAMS: The question’s about Afghanistan.

SEN. GRAHAM: GLOBAL WAR ON TERROR. By keeping Iraq from breaking up we’ve kept Iran from “winning,” please don’t pay attention to the Maliki government’s ties to Iran. Anyhow, bin Laden, land of two rivers, etc. Now we’ve paid off a bunch of people who hate both us and their existing enemies to fight their existing enemies instead of us for now and we all know that works pretty well historically. The surge worked.

By the way, Obama heads the FRC stuff on Afghanistan and hasn’t done shit.

SEN. BIDEN: Obama hasn’t done shit on that because I chair the committee and nobody does shit unless I say so and therefore it is I who haven’t done shit. Double dumbass on y- oh wait.  Also, I’ve got some Generals quotes from your Generals that trump your Generals quotes. Triple word score. Anyhow, out with the old and in with the new.

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Biden, pipe down.

SEN. BIDEN: K.

MR. WILLIAMS: Enough of that boring real world shit – let’s get back to horserace politics.

SEN. BIDEN: Sweet.

MR. WILLIAMS: You wanna be Vice President?

SEN. BIDEN: No.

MR. WILLIAMS: You don’t wanna be Vice President?

SEN. BIDEN: No.

MR. WILLIAMS: A while back Tim Russert (P.B.U.H.) asked you the same question and you said no then too, but one time you said yes – sort of. Oh shit, I’m not very good at this gotcha quote thing.

SEN. BIDEN: No means no, Brian.

MR. WILLIAMS: B-b-but

SEN. BIDEN: Well, I guess if he asked I’d have to serve.

MR. WILLIAMS: AH-HAH! So no means yes?

SEN. BIDEN: No, no means no.

MR. WILLIAMS: Does no sort of mean yes?

SEN. BIDEN: Haven’t I answered this for the last two minutes?

MR. WILLIAMS: Ok, so no means no, but you’d do it if you had to – burnnnnnn.

SEN. BIDEN: Are you about done?

MR. WILLIAMS: Yeah.

SEN. GRAHAM: What, what a country. What a country.

MR. WILLIAMS: Thanks for coming by.

SEN. BIDEN: Thank you.

SEN. GRAHAM: Thank you very much.

SEN. BIDEN: Thank you.

MR. WILLIAMS: Coming up next, you won’t believe how much fucking time we’re going to waste with John Harwood and Andrea Mitchell. Only on MEET THE PRESS.

(Announcements)

MR. WILLIAMS: Our chattering class fiesta hoedown, after this brief station break.

(Announcements)

MR. WILLIAMS: We’re back with two cocktail party circuit regulars who will take twenty minutes to basically say nothing, John Harwood and Andrea Mitchell.

Welcome to you both.

MS. ANDREA MITCHELL: Thanks Bri.

MR. WILLIAMS: A new poll that may or may not be full of shit shows Obama ahead by 15 points.  John, what do you think?

MR. JOHN HARWOOD: Might be right, might not be.  Won’t know until we see more.  That doesn’t fill air time though, so let me repeat a lot of shit everyone already knows.  Ok, done.

MR. WILLIAMS: Is this campaign finance thing gonna matter?

MS. MITCHELL: Well, Obama hopes not.  I know that’s a fucking scoop, so I thought I’d take the time to say it out loud.  Of course Republicans will say this means he’s the anti-Christ.  I actually get paid to say this shit!

MR. WILLIAMS: Mm-hmm.

MS. MITCHELL: Oh shit – more?  Okay, well, like John said we can’t be sure.  And, like I said, Republicans are going to say they’re winning.  Is that enough?

MR. WILLIAMS: Yeah, okay.  Obama’s got a new ad, let’s watch.

(Videotape)

SEN. OBAMA: (From ad) I’m Barack Obama. America’s a country of strong families and strong values. My life’s been blessed by both. I approved this message because I’ll never forget those values. And if I have the honor of taking the oath of office as president, it will be with a deep and abiding faith in the country I love.

(End videotape)

MR. WILLIAMS: Obama’s using money to play that ad in Alaska, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Iowa, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Virginia.  Those are Bush states.  Thoughts?

MR. HARWOOD: Democrats are favored in this election over the economy and the war and they’re going to make McCain spend money in those states as an offensive measure.  Democrats love winning, so they love this.  Let me namedrop David Brooks and his stupid Fast Eddie Obama column.  In short, more horserace chatter that doesn’t help inform the country.

MR. WILLIAMS: Mm-hmm.

MR. HARWOOD: My friend totally wrote about David’s column by the way – we loved it down at the Peninsula Club.  Tim Russert loved Springsteen and so do you Brian.  That’s all I got.

MS. MITCHELL: Oh shit, let me get in on this gravy train.  Remember when I just gave you that scoop about how Obama hopes the campaign finance stuff won’t matter?  Yeah, well, here’s another scoop: McCain hopes it WILL. 

BOOYAH, John.

MR. WILLIAMS: Obama is a man of the people.

MS. MITCHELL: 55% of his people are big donors.

MR. HARWOOD: Barack Obama’s actually going to spend money now that he has it.  Let me stroke my chin over this nugget of wisdom.

MS. MITCHELL: I’ll bob my head knowingly.

MR. WILLIAMS: Mumble…

MS. MITCHELL: Oh poop, I forgot to try to sound smart by saying what John already said about the ad buys being an offensive tactic.  Time to improvise – with lives and our nation’s future at stake the important thing here is to go nuts on the Telestrator like John Madden on Turkey Day and fill airtime.

MR. WILLIAMS: Obama might win Georgia because of Bob Barr.  John?

MR. HARWOOD: In this paragraph I say nothing of substance.

MR. WILLIAMS: Mm-hmm.

MR. HARWOOD: Let me also point out that, in case anyone missed Gone With The Wind or Freaknik, there are a lot of black people in Georgia and, so far as we know, Obama is a black.

MR. WILLIAMS: Andrea, veepstakes.  VEEPSTAKES.  [he actually said veepstakes -editor]

MS. MITCHELL: K.

MR. WILLIAMS: You saw what I just did with Biden, right? 

MS. MITCHELL: That was wonderful. (not edited)

MR. WILLIAMS: Yeah, I totally bamboozled him.  Not so much the Spike Lee kind of bamboozling, though.  Did you guys see Jungle Fever?  I thought it was a powerful movie.  On another note, Tim would be so proud, let’s pray Lord…

So, even though you don’t know anything at all, what’s going on with the VP lists?

MS. MITCHELL: Well, it’s very actively engaged and engaging. [no shit, she said this -editor]

Let’s start with Georgia. Sam Nunn basically said nothing when I asked him which, owing to my total lack of journalistic integrity, gives me a mountain of nothing to talk about in return. Nunn’s good on foreign policy but gay people hate him – that’s unusual for an oddly meticulous man with a thin moustache.  I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen, so I’m going to rattle off a bunch of meaningless shit.  As long as the checks keep cashing, we cool. 

MR. WILLIAMS: John, what the…

MR. HARWOOD: You totally bamboozled Biden!  You made him say sort-of yes!

MS. MITCHELL: So cool, Bri.

MR. HARWOOD: Now you TOTALLY gotta do that to everyone else.  TOTALLY.

MR. WILLIAMS: Haha, yeah, I am pretty fucking crazy like a fox if I do say so myself.  Anyhow, we’ve only got a couple of minutes, so toss off some other made up shit that sounds important.

MR. HARWOOD: Watch this, Bri.  I’m going to use an old trick where I name people who have no chance, but are totally forgettable, so when they don’t make it no one will come back on me and hold me accountable.  Let’s start with Ted Strickland.  No one gives a shit about him.

MR. WILLIAMS: Mm-hmm.

MR. HARWOOD: Oh and everyone’s favorite always-a-bridesmaid-but-never-a-bride, Evan Bayh.  We like to say he’s a senator from Indiana, but no one’s ever seen him alive, so who really fucking knows?  Still, safe to say out loud because you try finding him for a quote.  Then, of course, I’ll name the two guys you just made safe by covering my ass for me – Biden and Nunn. Oh and on the McCain side, here are some other completely forgettable, sad fucks who absolutely will not be Vice President, but who everyone said sounded good at the cocktail party last night.  Crist, Pawlenty and Portman.  Know any of ‘em?  No?  WHEW.  Back to you.

MR. WILLIAMS: Ok, too bad that’s over.  I love the roundtable part, you don’t have to know ANYTHING.

We’ll be right back to fellate Tim’s dead corpse one last time before we go.

(Announcements)

MR. WILLIAMS: Welcome back.

[redacted for being useless overkill]