Meet The Press 06/22/2008

Meet Depressed Summary of the 06-22-2008 Episode of Meet The Press

(Special Program Note: Meet The Press will run long today because Lindsey Graham adds an extra syllable to every Goddamn word he says)

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MR. BRIAN WILLIAMS: This week we’ll be talking about campaign finance in the general election.

SEN. BARACK OBAMA (D-IL): We’ve made the decision not to participate in the public financing system for the general election.

SEN. JOHN McCAIN (R-AZ): He has completely reversed himself and gone back not on his word to me, but the commitment that he made to the American people.

MR. WILLIAMS: Snap.

The candidates are too busy for this nonsense today, so we brought in Joe “Delaware Was a Slave State Too!” Biden and Lindsey “Oh Mah Gawd I Tawk So Sweet, Y’all” Graham.

Later we’ll have on business press release reader John Harwood of CNBC and Andrea Mitchell, who never names sources and who is married to a libertarian objectivist.

Then, we’ll fellate ourselves one last time by parading Tim Russert’s corpse around instead of discussing the country’s problems.

On with the Goddamn show already, Brian.

SEN. JOE BIDEN (D-DE): Thank you. I’m going to try to beat Lindsey to fellating Tim’s Corpse by mentioning how it’s weird not having Tim here.

MR. WILLIAMS: Thanks Joe, we’ll all get through this hour (without learning hardly anything).

SEN. BIDEN: Oh, score. I completely owned Lindsey there. Time to pour it on.

MR. WILLIAMS: Please do, let’s minimize the talk about real issues.

SEN. BIDEN: Tim loved his son and spoke highly of him like most fathers do and his son seems like a good guy.

MR. WILLIAMS: Yes he did.

SEN. BIDEN: Geez. (not edited)

MR. WILLIAMS: He sure did.

SEN. BIDEN: Incredible. (not edited)

MR. WILLIAMS: Everyone thinks a lot of Luke Russert.

Now that we’ve wasted 2-3 minutes, let’s get on to discussing the country’s business which I guess we unfortunately have to tend to. Here’s some footage about the campaign finance flap:

(Videotape, February 26, 2008)

MR. TIM RUSSERT: Well, let me ask you about motivating, inspiring, keeping your word. Nothing more important. Last year you said if you were the nominee you would opt for public financing in the general election of the campaign, try to get some of the money out. You checked “yes” on a questionnaire.

SEN. OBAMA: (Unintelligible)…politics at worst.

MR. RUSSERT: So you may opt out of public financing? You may break your word?

SEN. OBAMA: What I–what I’ve said is at the point where I’m the nominee, at the point where it’s appropriate, I will sit down with John McCain and make sure that we have a system that works for everybody.

(End videotape)

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Biden, Obama pretty much took a shit on his pledge and Russ Feingold politely took a shit on Obama – what’s your take?

SEN. BIDEN: I have a long record of supporting campaignfinance ref- blah blah. I’m about to admit that Obama threw a Crazy Ivan, but then I’m going to backpedal. Watch me go. He has changed his position, but if you think about it he only changed it because he was making a lot of money from a lot of people instead of from a powerful few, so even though it’s a total reversal it’s actually better for the system.

MR. WILLIAMS: O RLY.

SEN. BIDEN: Yes, he can’t be bought at those prices. Still, this does pretty much fuck the existing system symbolically.

MR. WILLIAMS: So, is public financing totally fucked?

SEN. BIDEN: Sputter…

MR. WILLIAMS: Mumble…

SEN. BIDEN: Pretty much.

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Graham, ball’s in your court.

SEN. LINDSEY GRAHAM (R-SC): Barack Obama is a black liar. Oops, I mean he’s a really big fat liar and that’s the most important thing here. Senator McCain took it up the ass a few years ago over this issue and Obama tucked tail and ran at the first opportunity. The American people won’t forgive this heinous lie by Obama.

SEN. BIDEN: B-b-but…

SEN. GRAHAM: …mm-hmm.

SEN. BIDEN: Obama said he’d be different and he is different because his money comes from a lot of poorer people instead of a few rich ones and those poor people aren’t organized to demand free shit like oil companies and pharamceutical companies are, so who cares? Also, he’s the neatest thing since sliced bread.

SEN. GRAHAM: Moveon.org had a Hitler ad once and they hate America and apple pies. They want a timetable for Iraq and Obama says he wants one too. Ergo Obama is a total leftist. Lefty left lefterson leftist lefticulist. LEFT.

SEN. BIDEN: Nunt uh.

MR. WILLIAMS: Yeah, back to the real world here Lindsey – it’s obvious he did this because he’s making a fuck ton of money from the internet.

SEN. GRAHAM: Mumble…

MR. WILLIAMS: If McCain knew what The Internet was wouldn’t he do the same thing?

SEN. GRAHAM: John crucified himself on the altar of CFR a few years ago, so he’s pretty much kicked Obama square between the balls on this one. Obama’s crafty – wily even. Obama only wants to win and will say anything to win.

SEN. BIDEN: Oh no you dih-ant. I wasn’t gonna go there, Colonel Tom, but McCain’s just done a 180 on drilling offshore and previously did a 180 on how Iraq would turn out. Going back to Obama, big donors vs. small donors, blah blah. Let me add that Obama’s not going to get Swift Boated by your GOP fuck buddies like that lurching bonehead Kerry, so of course he took the money.

MR. WILLIAMS: But doesn’t everyone Swift Boat?

SEN. BIDEN: Well, I, I, I, I, I… yeah.

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Graham.

SEN. GRAHAM: Someone asked Obama, “If you are nominated for president in 2008 and your major opponents agree to forego private funding in the general election campaign, will you participate in the presidential public financing system?” Obama said, “Yes, I have been a longtime advocate for public financing of campaigns combined with free television and radio time as a way to reduce the influence of moneyed special interests.” November 2007.

SEN. BIDEN: Babbling…

SEN. GRAHAM: Totally full of shit.

SEN. BIDEN: Blah blah, big donors, small donors, we get it Joe. Slight jab at McCain’s big donors.

MR. WILLIAMS: Hillary Clinton also called him out on this a while back, Joe.

SEN. BIDEN: She would say anything to get elected. Anyhow, big donors vs. small donors – ’nuff said!

MR. WILLIAMS: Well David Brooks said some shit too and even made up some more of his adolescent-sounding, funny names for people – he actually wrote about “Fast Eddie Obama.” Can you believe the New York Times prints this asshole? Anyhow, the AP said Obama will say anything to win, too. So, basically, Barack Obama is a politician.

SEN. BIDEN: Uh, yeah, but an honorable one [Mark Twain spins in grave -editor]. Big donors vs. small donors again for the hundredth time, blah blah. Then I use some of Brooks’ stupid, childish rhetoric and compliment Obama on having gravitas. In the end, even though he totally flipped on this one, it shows that he’s wily and – oops can’t use that word. It shows that he’s really a politician even though he’s not and that’s good or bad depending on what question you ask me. Have I told you my Indian jokes lately?

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Graham, you buying what Joe’s selling?

SEN. GRAHAM: Hell no. Folksy aphorism goes here. Obama is now plumbing the depths of depravity and has shown his true colors. Obama will do anything to win. Of course I’m a Republican, so it’s sort of ironic, me talking about how someone else has gone too far in politics. Anyone want to talk about McCain’s nigroe baby we found out about in my state a few years ago?

SEN. BIDEN: Yeah, well, John completely flip flopped on oil.

MR. WILLIAMS: Yeah, hmm, oil – cue cards?

SEN. GRAHAM: Let’s roll.

MR. WILLIAMS: Oh, wait, the cue cards say we have to talk about NAFTA now. Sorry guys. So John McCain talked about NAFTA. You guys have any problems with NAFTA?

SEN. BIDEN: Yeah, one, we use it to build all the shit we buy overseas where we don’t care if the kids grow up eating lead paint sludge and, two, the workers in those countries don’t exactly get a 401K out of it if you know what I mean.

MR. WILLIAMS: Fibble fabble..

SEN. BIDEN: Environment and labor.

MR. WILLIAMS: Yosemite Sam?

SEN. GRAHAM: Obama is full of shit on NAFTA and I’m an American and in America we don’t lie. The end.

SEN. BIDEN: I want to be President. Fuck, I said that out loud. Anyhow, yeah, environment and labor.

Gov. RICHARDSON: Fortune magazine this past Wednesday: “Obama says he doesn’t believe in unilaterally reopening NAFTA. … `I’m not a big believer in doing things unilaterally. I’m a big believer in opening up a dialogue and figuring out how we can make this work for all people.’”

Now we go to the debate–same debate, Cleveland, Ohio, February 26th, 2008.

(Videotape)

SEN. HILLARY CLINTON (D-NY): I will say, we will opt out of NAFTA unless we renegotiate it.

SEN. OBAMA: I will make sure that we renegotiate in the same way that Senator Clinton talked about. And I think, actually, Senator Clinton’s answer on this one is right. I think we should use the hammer of a potential opt-out as leverage to ensure that we actually get labor and environmental standards that are enforced.

(End videotape)

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Biden, is Obama gonna throw the water fountain through the window and leave?

SEN. BIDEN: Probably not, but you can’t bring a knife to a gun fight.

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Graham, you’ve been smirking like a teenager with a funny joke to tell. Let’s hear it.

SEN. GRAHAM: I want so bad to like Obama, but he’s a lying douchebag. Woe is me. It’s like nailing Jell-O to the wall. The other day he even lied to a bunch of Israel nuts and then flip flopped. I wouldn’t piss on the man if he were on fire.

MR. WILLIAMS: McCain completely flip flopped on drilling offshore this week. Gas is $4 a gallon and this makes the greenies happy. Tell me more.

SEN. GRAHAM: $4 a gallon gas pretty much sucks for the average Joe.

MR. WILLIAMS: Oh.

SEN. GRAHAM: Basically, John wants to drill everything up to and including your mother, Brian, and he wants to start in America. Also, $4 a gallon gas. Did I mention that number?

MR. WILLIAMS: I believe you did.  So, what will drilling do?

SEN. GRAHAM: When we drill, the oil faerie visits us and prices go down immediately.  The Democrats, on the other hand, want to drill in Saudi Arabia and keep the oil faerie trapped underground where she can’t make your gas prices go down tomorrow. If you want the oil faerie’s magic to help us all, vote McCain.

SEN. BIDEN: You just fucked up, Deliverance Boy, and now I’ve got something to talk about.

SEN. GRAHAM: Democrats want to drill in Saudi Arabia, they sent a letter!

SEN. BIDEN: We want them to pump more, not drill more, you hillbilly. Oil companies already have 41 million acres offshore and they’re trying to get one last Christmas gift from Bush and Cheney before their act rolls out of town. Hell, they’re not even using 75% of their existing leases.

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Graham, you have a purdy mouth.

SEN. GRAHAM: Yes, I do.

MR. WILLIAMS: You mind people drilling off South Carolina?

SEN. GRAHAM: States rights. Let the states decide. If we don’t drill there, China will via Cuba. China wants to drink our milkshake, Brian. Gas is $4 a gallon and oil is $135 a barrel – did I mention that? Obama won’t do anything, McCain wants to drink our own milkshake.

SEN. BIDEN: Oh snap now.

SEN. GRAHAM: Fo sho.

SEN. BIDEN: We can already drink our own milkshake, Gomer.

SEN. GRAHAM: No we can’t ’cause the gummint.

SEN. BIDEN: 40 million acres offshore.

SEN. GRAHAM: So.

SEN. BIDEN: 40 million acres offshore.

SEN. GRAHAM: So.

SEN. BIDEN: Forty million acres offshore.

SEN. GRAHAM: Piffle…

SEN. BIDEN: They can already get to 79% of the reserves and they haven’t done shit.

SEN. GRAHAM: But the gummint!

SEN. BIDEN: Eat it, Forrest.

SEN. GRAHAM: Gummint.

SEN. BIDEN: Whatever.

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Graham, let me take a page out of Tim Russert’s gotcha handbook here and read some incriminating quotes where you said drilling offshore would be bad.

SEN. GRAHAM: Mm-hmm.

MR. WILLIAMS: “Said Senator Lindsey Graham: `All of our coastal communities I’ve talked with believe offshore drilling would be a detriment to our economy along the coast. I tend to agree with that.’” Whatchu talkin’ ’bout Willis?

SEN. GRAHAM: Four dollar a gallon gas. (not edited)

MR. WILLIAMS: Yeah, but we don’t get shit from drilling for ten years.

SEN. GRAHAM: Right. Right.

MR. WILLIAMS: So how does this help us get off foreign oil like you talked about?

SEN. GRAHAM: The oil faerie. John McCain supports drilling to find her.

SEN. BIDEN: 40 million acres. 10 years to the first drop.

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Graham, here’s more incriminating quote stuff, Tim would be proud.

SEN. GRAHAM: Yeah, and, and here’s the honest–well, here, here’s my answer. $4 a gallon gas Yes, $4 a gallon has changed my view of this; $135 dollars a barrel has changed my view of this. I think the economic impact of not adjusting now is going to be devastating in the–to the country short and long-term, and therefore I have changed my position.

SEN. BIDEN: 10 years to the first drop. Windmills. Change!

MR. WILLIAMS: Oh, turns out we’re in two wars overseas. The Economist said Iraq’s gonna be fine without us – I’m going to just accept that without question because I’m a fuckwit. So, what do we do about Afghanistan?  I hope you guys know, because I don’t even know where it is for sure.

SEN. BIDEN: I, too, will ignore the ridiculous fundamentals underlying the question even though I’m smarter than this.  In short: tell the people how much Iraq is fucking up our military and how much it’s costing us in money and lives and then rattle off some quotes by generals about how we should fight Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. We can’t fight both wars.

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Graham?

SEN. GRAHAM: I got some quotes from Generals saying Iraq is more important. John McCain’s been trying to put more troops in Iraq for a decade.  Go, fight, win!

MR. WILLIAMS: The question’s about Afghanistan.

SEN. GRAHAM: GLOBAL WAR ON TERROR. By keeping Iraq from breaking up we’ve kept Iran from “winning,” please don’t pay attention to the Maliki government’s ties to Iran. Anyhow, bin Laden, land of two rivers, etc. Now we’ve paid off a bunch of people who hate both us and their existing enemies to fight their existing enemies instead of us for now and we all know that works pretty well historically. The surge worked.

By the way, Obama heads the FRC stuff on Afghanistan and hasn’t done shit.

SEN. BIDEN: Obama hasn’t done shit on that because I chair the committee and nobody does shit unless I say so and therefore it is I who haven’t done shit. Double dumbass on y- oh wait.  Also, I’ve got some Generals quotes from your Generals that trump your Generals quotes. Triple word score. Anyhow, out with the old and in with the new.

MR. WILLIAMS: Senator Biden, pipe down.

SEN. BIDEN: K.

MR. WILLIAMS: Enough of that boring real world shit – let’s get back to horserace politics.

SEN. BIDEN: Sweet.

MR. WILLIAMS: You wanna be Vice President?

SEN. BIDEN: No.

MR. WILLIAMS: You don’t wanna be Vice President?

SEN. BIDEN: No.

MR. WILLIAMS: A while back Tim Russert (P.B.U.H.) asked you the same question and you said no then too, but one time you said yes – sort of. Oh shit, I’m not very good at this gotcha quote thing.

SEN. BIDEN: No means no, Brian.

MR. WILLIAMS: B-b-but

SEN. BIDEN: Well, I guess if he asked I’d have to serve.

MR. WILLIAMS: AH-HAH! So no means yes?

SEN. BIDEN: No, no means no.

MR. WILLIAMS: Does no sort of mean yes?

SEN. BIDEN: Haven’t I answered this for the last two minutes?

MR. WILLIAMS: Ok, so no means no, but you’d do it if you had to – burnnnnnn.

SEN. BIDEN: Are you about done?

MR. WILLIAMS: Yeah.

SEN. GRAHAM: What, what a country. What a country.

MR. WILLIAMS: Thanks for coming by.

SEN. BIDEN: Thank you.

SEN. GRAHAM: Thank you very much.

SEN. BIDEN: Thank you.

MR. WILLIAMS: Coming up next, you won’t believe how much fucking time we’re going to waste with John Harwood and Andrea Mitchell. Only on MEET THE PRESS.

(Announcements)

MR. WILLIAMS: Our chattering class fiesta hoedown, after this brief station break.

(Announcements)

MR. WILLIAMS: We’re back with two cocktail party circuit regulars who will take twenty minutes to basically say nothing, John Harwood and Andrea Mitchell.

Welcome to you both.

MS. ANDREA MITCHELL: Thanks Bri.

MR. WILLIAMS: A new poll that may or may not be full of shit shows Obama ahead by 15 points.  John, what do you think?

MR. JOHN HARWOOD: Might be right, might not be.  Won’t know until we see more.  That doesn’t fill air time though, so let me repeat a lot of shit everyone already knows.  Ok, done.

MR. WILLIAMS: Is this campaign finance thing gonna matter?

MS. MITCHELL: Well, Obama hopes not.  I know that’s a fucking scoop, so I thought I’d take the time to say it out loud.  Of course Republicans will say this means he’s the anti-Christ.  I actually get paid to say this shit!

MR. WILLIAMS: Mm-hmm.

MS. MITCHELL: Oh shit – more?  Okay, well, like John said we can’t be sure.  And, like I said, Republicans are going to say they’re winning.  Is that enough?

MR. WILLIAMS: Yeah, okay.  Obama’s got a new ad, let’s watch.

(Videotape)

SEN. OBAMA: (From ad) I’m Barack Obama. America’s a country of strong families and strong values. My life’s been blessed by both. I approved this message because I’ll never forget those values. And if I have the honor of taking the oath of office as president, it will be with a deep and abiding faith in the country I love.

(End videotape)

MR. WILLIAMS: Obama’s using money to play that ad in Alaska, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Iowa, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Virginia.  Those are Bush states.  Thoughts?

MR. HARWOOD: Democrats are favored in this election over the economy and the war and they’re going to make McCain spend money in those states as an offensive measure.  Democrats love winning, so they love this.  Let me namedrop David Brooks and his stupid Fast Eddie Obama column.  In short, more horserace chatter that doesn’t help inform the country.

MR. WILLIAMS: Mm-hmm.

MR. HARWOOD: My friend totally wrote about David’s column by the way – we loved it down at the Peninsula Club.  Tim Russert loved Springsteen and so do you Brian.  That’s all I got.

MS. MITCHELL: Oh shit, let me get in on this gravy train.  Remember when I just gave you that scoop about how Obama hopes the campaign finance stuff won’t matter?  Yeah, well, here’s another scoop: McCain hopes it WILL. 

BOOYAH, John.

MR. WILLIAMS: Obama is a man of the people.

MS. MITCHELL: 55% of his people are big donors.

MR. HARWOOD: Barack Obama’s actually going to spend money now that he has it.  Let me stroke my chin over this nugget of wisdom.

MS. MITCHELL: I’ll bob my head knowingly.

MR. WILLIAMS: Mumble…

MS. MITCHELL: Oh poop, I forgot to try to sound smart by saying what John already said about the ad buys being an offensive tactic.  Time to improvise – with lives and our nation’s future at stake the important thing here is to go nuts on the Telestrator like John Madden on Turkey Day and fill airtime.

MR. WILLIAMS: Obama might win Georgia because of Bob Barr.  John?

MR. HARWOOD: In this paragraph I say nothing of substance.

MR. WILLIAMS: Mm-hmm.

MR. HARWOOD: Let me also point out that, in case anyone missed Gone With The Wind or Freaknik, there are a lot of black people in Georgia and, so far as we know, Obama is a black.

MR. WILLIAMS: Andrea, veepstakes.  VEEPSTAKES.  [he actually said veepstakes -editor]

MS. MITCHELL: K.

MR. WILLIAMS: You saw what I just did with Biden, right? 

MS. MITCHELL: That was wonderful. (not edited)

MR. WILLIAMS: Yeah, I totally bamboozled him.  Not so much the Spike Lee kind of bamboozling, though.  Did you guys see Jungle Fever?  I thought it was a powerful movie.  On another note, Tim would be so proud, let’s pray Lord…

So, even though you don’t know anything at all, what’s going on with the VP lists?

MS. MITCHELL: Well, it’s very actively engaged and engaging. [no shit, she said this -editor]

Let’s start with Georgia. Sam Nunn basically said nothing when I asked him which, owing to my total lack of journalistic integrity, gives me a mountain of nothing to talk about in return. Nunn’s good on foreign policy but gay people hate him – that’s unusual for an oddly meticulous man with a thin moustache.  I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen, so I’m going to rattle off a bunch of meaningless shit.  As long as the checks keep cashing, we cool. 

MR. WILLIAMS: John, what the…

MR. HARWOOD: You totally bamboozled Biden!  You made him say sort-of yes!

MS. MITCHELL: So cool, Bri.

MR. HARWOOD: Now you TOTALLY gotta do that to everyone else.  TOTALLY.

MR. WILLIAMS: Haha, yeah, I am pretty fucking crazy like a fox if I do say so myself.  Anyhow, we’ve only got a couple of minutes, so toss off some other made up shit that sounds important.

MR. HARWOOD: Watch this, Bri.  I’m going to use an old trick where I name people who have no chance, but are totally forgettable, so when they don’t make it no one will come back on me and hold me accountable.  Let’s start with Ted Strickland.  No one gives a shit about him.

MR. WILLIAMS: Mm-hmm.

MR. HARWOOD: Oh and everyone’s favorite always-a-bridesmaid-but-never-a-bride, Evan Bayh.  We like to say he’s a senator from Indiana, but no one’s ever seen him alive, so who really fucking knows?  Still, safe to say out loud because you try finding him for a quote.  Then, of course, I’ll name the two guys you just made safe by covering my ass for me – Biden and Nunn. Oh and on the McCain side, here are some other completely forgettable, sad fucks who absolutely will not be Vice President, but who everyone said sounded good at the cocktail party last night.  Crist, Pawlenty and Portman.  Know any of ‘em?  No?  WHEW.  Back to you.

MR. WILLIAMS: Ok, too bad that’s over.  I love the roundtable part, you don’t have to know ANYTHING.

We’ll be right back to fellate Tim’s dead corpse one last time before we go.

(Announcements)

MR. WILLIAMS: Welcome back.

[redacted for being useless overkill]